Thinking About Something I Would Never Do

The sword of thunderbolt iron is a razorblade, and my wrists the beating, vulnerable heart of the beast.

I often think that the only way I could truly defeat whatever this is, could truly kill it, is to kill myself, and take it with me.

I guess that’s a bit like the narrator and Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Except as I’ve said, life isn’t a movie or a novel and I’m not about to blow my own cheek out with a nine millimetre. Apparently that bit of the movie makes sense and he was able to defeat Tyler because he was “willing to kill himself.” That’s bullshit. He was willing to blow his own cheek out. I’d blow my own cheek out too if I thought it would work.

But I knew someone who killed themselves. I don’t know if they felt something like what I feel now, but I don’t think they did. I guess there are myriad reasons why someone would want to take their own life. I knew him, and I saw what happened when he went. I saw all the fallout, hell, I was a part of it. That was the first time I went to a doctor, but that’s neither here nor there. Or is it? I don’t know. I’ll address it later.

Yes, I saw all the fallout. People who didn’t know him, emotional wrecks. People who did? You can imagine how horrible it was.

So. If I did that, if I tried to bow out and take this bastard with me, I wouldn’t actually be solving anything at all. I’d be dead, ignominiously, and he wouldn’t have been suffocated along with it – no, he’d have gone out in a shining blaze of glory inflicting hurt on all those who care about me. Now, he doesn’t want me to kill myself, but if I did that’s how he’d probably see it. And I can see the point.

I should really stop calling it “he.”

I don’t want to cause pain to anyone. And I know, or I hope, that the pain I would certainly cause via that final solution far outweighs the pain I may bring on others by continuing to live.

I guess I am technically contemplating suicide, as attention seeking as that sounds. But I don’t need help, or attention. I’m not going to do it. I couldn’t. It would be a failure on my part. So while I am contemplating it, that’s exactly what I am doing.

Contemplate:

–verb (used with object)

1. 

to look at or view with continued attention; observe or study thoughtfully: to contemplate the stars.

That said, definitions 3 and 4 (these are from http://www.dictionary.com, a fantastic site if you aren’t 100% sure of the meaning of the words you use, and if you aren’t 100% sure then you should not be using them, there’s no shame in looking them up) do include intent in their terms, which kind of skews my semantic point, but fuck it.

There isn’t really a logical conclusion to this. I do wish there were. I guess the bottom line is this:

I’m not suicidal, and I’m just gonna have to live with this thing in my head for the foreseeable future.